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Basically I have a good marriage, but sometimes I think about a divorce. Is that unusual? |
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What are the consequences of a divorce I should examine? |
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Should I keep the marriage together for the sake of the children? |
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I don' t want a divorce. Can I fight it? |
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Does counseling work to bring a couple together? |
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How can I determine if I can get along financially after the divorce? |
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I suspect my spouse of adultery. Should I hire a private investigator? |
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If I file for divorce does my spouse have to leave the house? |
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Will separation for a time help solve marital problems? |
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Can't I just leave the marital residence? |
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| Q: |
Basically I have a good marriage, but sometimes I think about a divorce. Is that unusual? |
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No. Anger and frustrations come to every marriage, so sometimes the fantasy of a divorce occurs. This is usual, but if the idea of a divorce persists after the anger and frustration are gone, you are looking at the possibility of a divorce. |
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What are the consequences of a divorce I should examine? |
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(1) The impact on the children. (2) The financial impact on you and the children. (3) If you are on the paying end, how much of your income and property you will have after the divorce. (4) What emotional/mental health consequences will the divorce process have on me and should I receive mental health counseling? |
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Should I keep the marriage together for the sake of the children? |
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Ideally. Until recently my belief was that children pick up on a bad marriage and there is a negative learning experience from being exposed to a bad marriage, and therefore that there should be a divorce. Judith Wallerstein is probably the world's leading authority on the impact of a divorce on children. Her recent study shows that divorce causes a negative impact on children which is felt even after they grow up. Wallerstein states that if the parents can continue to provide a tranquil and secure home for the children, despite losing their affection for each other, the children are best served. Many parents, however, are unwilling or unable to make this sacrifice, and sometimes the marriage is so intolerable that there must be a divorce. |
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| Q: |
I don' t want a divorce. Can I fight it? |
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Yes, but it is seldom practical to fight it. In Illinois there must be grounds for divorce, such as adultery, physical or mental cruelty. These grounds include "no-fault" (irreconcilable differences), but if the other side fights the no-fault grounds, the couple must live "separate and apart" for two years. Living separate and apart does not require living in separate residences as long as you occupy separate bedrooms, have no sexual relations, and have no meaningful communications with each other. Fighting the grounds for divorce, however, is seldom practical. The cost of fighting grounds for divorce almost always outweighs the benefit. |
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| Q: |
Does counseling work to bring a couple together? |
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Rarely, from my perspective. Of course when people consult me about a divorce, they, or their spouse, are fairly well committed to a divorce, so counseling at this stage is rarely successful, but counseling is helpful if it is done at the very early stages of marital discord. I have found that when a divorcing couple goes into late-stage marriage counseling, they each go into it with their own game plan. One party will do it for the sake of preserving the marriage, while the other party will do it to pave the way for a divorce. |
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How can I determine if I can get along financially after the divorce? |
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For a quick answer I use the rule of safe harbor often used by mortgage houses: you need a net (spendable) income which is three times the amount of your cost of housing. For example, if your mortgage and real estate taxes are $1500 a month, you will need a spendable income of $4,500 a month. If you receive $1500 in child support and/or maintenance (alimony) you will need to earn a net of $2,000 per month. A more accurate way of determining the amount of money you need is to make a budget. |
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| Q: |
I suspect my spouse of adultery. Should I hire a private investigator? |
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No, not usually. I usually advise my clients against hiring a private investigator since grounds for divorce are usually not an issue. If there is adultery, your spouse is unlikely to contest the grounds for divorce, no matter what they are. You gain nothing financially by proving adultery since the financial parts of a divorce, and child custody, are decided without regard to marital misconduct. A private investigator should only be hired on the advice of your lawyer. In the few instances where I have authorized hiring a private investigator I have put a cap on the fees to be paid to the private investigator. Usually people hire a private investigator to satisfy their curiosity, but it does little good other than that. If you are curious you will probably find evidence of the relationship by looking through telephone and credit card records and going through the trunk and glove compartment of your spouse's car and if he has a briefcase, going through the briefcase. |
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| Q: |
If I file for divorce does my spouse have to leave the house? |
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No, that would not be fair. What if your spouse filed for divorce against you? Would it be fair for you and the children to be required to leave the house? |
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Will separation for a time help solve marital problems? |
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No, that has not been my experience. My experience is that in order to resolve problems a couple must communicate. If you separate you either do not communicate, or you significantly cut down on communications. Statements like, " I need my space, " or " I need to get my head together," are usually malarkey. Usually the spouse wanting a "trial separation" is merely paving the way for a divorce. |
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Can't I just leave the marital residence? |
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Yes. You do not lose your marital property interest in the house because you leave it, however, child custody may become an issue, and if you leave without the children this will hurt you. |
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