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RECONCILIATION |
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Once a party hires a lawyer is it too late to reconcile? |
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Do you advise the party who wants to preserve the marriage that a trial separation may help bring the couple together? |
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Once divorce proceedings have started is it too late for counseling? |
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Should I reconcile for the sake of the children? |
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Do I need professional counseling in order to effect a reconciliation? |
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Do marriages sometimes stay together strictly for financial reasons? |
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If we decide to try to reconcile do I need to dismiss the divorce proceedings? |
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I do not want a divorce, but my spouse needs a wake-up call. Should I have him/her served with a divorce summons? |
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| Q: |
Once a party hires a lawyer is it too late to reconcile? |
| A: |
No. While there is little a lawyer can do to bring about a reconciliation, the lawyer should not stand in the way of a reconciliation. In fact the Illinois Divorce Act anticipates that there may be an attempted, or trial, reconciliation while divorce proceedings are pending. Ordinarily, once a party is aware that there are grounds for divorce and thereafter the parties have sexual relations, the grounds for divorce are considered forgiven. This is called condonation. As a matter of law there is no condonation (forgiveness) after a divorce proceeding is filed. This provision in the law is meant to encourage reconciliation. |
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| Q: |
Do you advise the party who wants to preserve the marriage that a trial separation may help bring the couple together? |
| A: |
No. Marital problems are resolved through face to face communications. If there is a separation, there are no, or very limited, face to face communications. I know that marriage counselors and therapists sometimes recommend a separation. Maybe it works for the marriage counselors, but if it works, it is because they see the case at a much earlier stage than I do as a lawyer. |
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| Q: |
Once divorce proceedings have started is it too late for counseling? |
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No. If your spouse does not agree to counseling, you should have counseling for yourself because there are things you may be able to do, on your own, which will reconcile the marriage. Also because divorce is a most stressful time, you will be able to go through the divorce process with less emotional pain if you are in counseling. Gitlin & Kasper recommends counseling to all of its clients. |
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| Q: |
Should I reconcile for the sake of the children? |
| A: |
Maybe. If the children are the top priority in your life and if you and your spouse can, despite your feelings to each other, present an apparently cordial family atmosphere for the children, the children will be better served by this relationship than by a divorce. On the other hand, the marriage may be so intolerable that to sacrifice many years of your life for the sake of the children is not appropriate. |
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| Q: |
Do I need professional counseling in order to effect a reconciliation? |
| A: |
Probably. At the root of many marital problems is the inability to communicate. Counseling can facilitate communications and can teach you to communicate with each other. |
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| Q: |
Do marriages sometimes stay together strictly for financial reasons? |
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Yes -- and often with good reason. I recall the case of a man who counted his farm holdings in sections, rather than acres. He was sure his wife would agree to a divorce if he carved out about five acres for her, built a house for her and the children which was substantially larger than the present house, and substantially increased her household budget by child support and maintenance payments. The problem was that all the farms were marital property. The wife rejected the husband's offer. He decided he could not afford a divorce and stayed married.
There are also cases where a wife, who because of children, or for other reasons, cannot generate a sufficient employment income, so she will not be able to adequately provide for herself and the children in the event of a divorce. These wives sometimes decide to stay married. |
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| Q: |
If we decide to try to reconcile do I need to dismiss the divorce proceedings? |
| A: |
No. You may put the divorce proceedings on hold, but not indefinitely. The judge will probably want to dispose of the case, one way or another, within about six months. |
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| Q: |
I do not want a divorce, but my spouse needs a wake-up call. Should I have him/her served with a divorce summons? |
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It's chancy. It is a desperation move. Use it only as a last resort. |
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